December 18th, 2003

Current Music: Ani Difranco - Fuel Subject: Why Am I Telling You This? Why? Time: 10:56 am Current Mood: People-Watching

Have you ever had a crush on someone from afar? Have you? And I'm not talking about these secret crushes, liking some friend of yours who you can never tell. Oh no. I'm suffering from the full out I've-never-met-you-but-I-know-if-I-did-I-would-love-you-until-the-end-of-time. I spent a semester in Philosophy class watching this guy. He is beautiful, you can't understand until you see him. Long brown, red hair that he formed into little, clean dreds. This exotic face, bright eyes. Woolen sweaters and baggy pants and I'm a goner. He's just so...almost perfect. But like I said, it's a far away thing, fun to laugh about but I'm never going to do anything. Ooh those far away crushes. How great they are. In other news...It's slushy and stormy here in Montreal. There are hidden puddles everywhere along the streets, and I have more wet and dirty clothes than clean. How I miss the smell of fresh laundry. I find it interesting to walk by or behind people. You watch some people skip, hop and jump over the puddles in all prayers that they won't get wet. Then come these manly men, who step right through the puddles; their steel-toed boots will never get wet, even in the ocean. Such a difference of personalities. He's just so beautiful! Why can't I get him off my mind? (Reminder: Oh god, and if I ever did get to know him, and if he ever did get to see this, what a dork I would seem to be...

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December 13th, 2003

Current Music: No Doubt - Underneath It All Time: 09:35 pm Current Mood: good

A good definition of best would have to be sitting next to a frostbitten window listening to your friend tell you news that makes them feel like they're on top of the world. Gavin got into college. Next term he'll be training, going to school, and working. I think that's pretty cool.

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December 11th, 2003

Current Music: I'm Looking Through You - The Wallflowers Time: 02:55 pm Current Mood: Better

It's a rainy day out. I've had my good cry for the evening. Activity of choice seems to be studying for another final tomorrow. But now is the time of conclusions and remembering that everything works in the end. I had this dream last night that I died. I don't remember details, I just remember waking up and crying. Shaking and sobbing and wondering where I was. I saw myself in a hospital bed, with plastic tubes running up my arms, coughing all over myself and seeing people with their heads in their hands at the sides of my legs. And I was so young. I could see myself going from first dates to first medications. It scared the shit out of me, and I have no idea what made it happen. Maybe the worst part is my lack of care. I have this belief that I might possibly die early, and whenever I think about it, I start caring less and less about finals. I always wonder where Canadian Literature will get me when I'm lying in a bed with my friends trying to capture every moment like a black and white photo. So I might fuck up this term, but I can look back and tell people that I learned something more than they will ever grasp in a textbook. And then I was reading over my old journal, looking at friends, and I saw something my friend Brittany had posted. I thought we were in this fight, I thought our friendship had ended. I thought High School had suddenly become something I would be forced to forget until I saw this. I'm sorry Charlie if I haven't been able to call you weekly like normal but I can't stop with this work. You know me in exams and I hardly have time for anything. This live journal entry is my Break. I still love you and think about you almost too much. I want to come see you next term more than ever. So maybe things aren't as bad as I thought. Sarah and I are going to go out for another snowy breakfast on the porch of the parking lot before she hauls ass to California, Raina's going to come back to Montreal, and I'm going back to familiar stores and landscapes faster than I thought. I can't wait....I can't wait.

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December 8th, 2003

Current Music: Christmas Music Everywhere Time: 11:33 am Current Mood: busy

I hate finals. Want to know why? Because on this beautiful snowy day, I have to sit inside and be tested on an infinite amount of topics I know I won't remember in half a year. Because there are better things I could be doing, there are people out there who haven't taken a final in years and are smarter than me. I watched this stuffy little man with his pants pulled up too high tell me that I couldn't sit here and I couldn't sit there because we had assigned seats and that I could only look in one direction because the other direction meant I was cheating, and no pencils only pens....where does this get me? Nowhere but damn glad that class is over. I hate finals week. In other news...I spent this weekend with Raina and Dan and Jeremy...have decided that I need to go back to Vermont for at least a little while and get away from these so-called Cosmo stressers I live with in the city. Silver bells...ringaling...It's Christmastime in the city....

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December 7th, 2003

Current Music: Modest Mouse Time: 03:43 am Current Mood: indescribable

Sometimes, it's all about. Tabula Rosa My friend.

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December 4th, 2003

Current Music: K's Choice - 2000 Seconds Time: 04:26 pm Current Mood: Winter

It's a new beginning to an old ending. A brand spanking new journal and I'm itching to type something worth reading, but I have the feeling it's not going to come out this time. It's time for finals and snowflakes, cookies and stuffy colds, movies underneath warm blankets and spending time with the people you're okay with calling your family. I need to make room for sleeping all day and reading good books, travelling to far away places and seeing friends who need to be seen, listening to music that makes me think happy thoughts. Throwing snowballs and looking at yearbooks. I like Christmas because it's the only holiday with the best buildup. We yearn and yearn for that one day of happiness, and even if it turns out to be crappy, the lit up trees and sappy music that I had to suffer through for the two weeks prior makes it all worth it. chills and spills and tears for fears. this will be a journal dedicated to the makings of friends.

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